Galahad in Wonderland
by Kariki Neroli
Summary: Spamalot Fic. Though, I guess, it can work for Monty Python too... Parody of 'Alice in Wonderland', 'Wizard of Oz', and maybe kinda 'The Labyrinth'. Slash, crossdressing, and Lancelot in skimpy shorts abound.


Disclaimer: I don't own Spamalot, Monty Python, The Labyrinth, Alice in Wonderland, Miyuki in Wonderland, or Wizard of Oz.

Galahad was convinced now. All the rumors he had heard were true and it wasn't all in his head like Bedevere kept trying to assure him. It was all real and the proof was on his cheek.

It was a Laker Girl initiation ritual to slap him as hard as possible every time he asks one of them out regardless of if they really did want to go out with him. He just knew at least some of them might want to!

It was the only reasonable explanation!

He hadn't even done anything all that offensive this time! Just a wink and a wondering hand - completely chaste when compared to what he's been known to do!

He just didn't understand it. He was good looking, intelligent, noble, carried a sword, and had awesome hair!

Galahad tucked a lock of said awesome hair behind his ear as he continued down the tree lined trail. He had retreated from the city after the 'incident', needing the solitude to rebuild his bruised ego. He kicked a stone listlessly out of his path and watched as it bounced away, landing by a foot clad in white high heels.

Wait a tick.

Galahad's head snapped up in surprise. There had been no one there before!

The foot belonged to a - rather striking - young redhead woman with... bunny ears? Okay, he could ignore that. And the fluffy tail. As long as she didn't try to literally bite his head off, he could ignore anything she did as long as she kept wearing that skimpy skirt and low cut top.

For the most part, the Rabbit woman didn't seem to notice the knight, too busy pacing under a large oak tree. She kept muttering, checking her watch, and pacing some more.

"Late, late, late, so very late."

Galahad took a deep breathe, gathering his courage.

He already had his plan worked out. He'd approach her, greet her courteously as would be expected of a knight, assist her to where ever it is she was late getting to, and once she was swooning at his good looks and knightly demeanor, he'd ask her out.

Galahad nodded to himself, seeing nothing at fault with the plan. After quickly fluffing his hair and puffing out his chest, he started forward.

"Miss." He started, his voice deep and manly. "Is there a - "

"Finally!" The Rabbit woman shouted in glee, ignoring Galahad completely.

She darted forward, behind the oak tree and the surrounding shrubs.

"...Hey, wait!" Galahad shouted after her, quickly coming to his senses after her erupt departure. "I was trying to be chivalrous!"

After a moment of hesitation, he followed her. The brush behind the tree was far thicker than he thought it would be. And darker.

"H-Hello?" Galahad called into the dark. "Rabbit girl? Are you in need of some knightly assist-AH!"

The forest floor suddenly disappeared under his boots, sending him toppling downward.

BAM

"Ance?!" Galahad finished in a daze.

"Ants? No, no, no ants here." Galahad sat up quickly, looking around.

He was still in the forest, at least. Maybe he had just blacked out during the fall and he was just at the bottom of a hill somewhere? Though he couldn't see any hills from here, just thick forest.

Damn.

"I do have an Aunt though." The voice from a few moment earlier continued, oblivious to Galahad's distraction. "Never liked her though. Pinched your cheeks but I suppose you can't expect any different from such a crab of a crab."

Galahad blinked. He knew that voice.

"I have another Aunt too but I don't like her much either. Though I suppose she's a he now, technically."

"I beg your pardon?" Galahad looked around, trying to find the owner of the voice. "Alice, is that you?"

"Am I me?" Galahad turned to one of the trees, staring as the lounging form of the minstrel faded into existence. "Surely my name is Alice though how you would know it, I don't know."

Galahad stared.

It was the minstrel, the face and tambourine were the same but the minstrel outfit had been replaced by a rather tight, sleeveless, green and black striped cat suit. And where that silly hat had been were two dark cat ears, flickering lazily as was the black tail hanging under the other.

Cat!Alice seemed to notice Galahad's staring and purred.

"You're new around here though." He moved so that he was laying on his stomach on the thick branch. "Maybe you're a wizard? I'm sure our Wizard wouldn't be too keen on that. Hates competition."

"I'm not a Wizard..."

"No? A witch then?" Alice batted his eyes. "Already have one of those too. Also a mage, sorceress, enchanter and a lawyer." Alice tapped the tambourine with surprising sharp fingernails as he listed all that they had.

"Never mind that." Galahad interrupted. He would not be a part of any of the minstrel's jokes. "What happened to that girl?"

"Girl?"

"Yes. The redhead girl." Galahad paused, unsure of how to describe her without appearing insane. "I was following her and I fell..."

"I'm sorry, I've seen no girls lately. Especially not a redhead one." Alice flicked his tail down at Galahad, the tip caressing his ear before Galahad slapped it away. "Saw a Rabbit though."

"Yes, that's her!" Galahad looked around eagerly. "Where did she go?"

"I can't remember."

"...What?"

"I can't remember." Alice smiled mischievously. "It happened such a long time ago."

"It was a few minutes ago!"

"Not in cat years." Alice nodded knowingly. "Been a very long time in cat years."

"No, it hasn't! Cat years are the same as people years!"

Alice suddenly sat up, glaring at Galahad.

"Well, now! If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to bugger off!" With that, he slowly started to fade away.

"No, no, no, wait, I'm sorry!" Galahad fretted, flailing his arms in hopes of getting the cat's attention back. "I'm wrong, I'm wrong, there are cats years and they are incredibly longer than people!"

Alice reappeared, standing on the branch now, a smug smile on his lips.

"I thought as much."

"Now, can you at least try to remember which way she went?" Galahad asked pleadingly.

"Nope. I was napping."

"But you said you saw her!"

"I saw her while I was napping."

"How can you see her when you were sleeping?!"

In response, Alice began to fade away again.

"No, no, no! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" Galahad fretted.

Alice reversed his fading though he still didn't look happy.

"Do you have any idea where she could have gone?"

"Plenty of ideas!" Alice's smile returned. "Plenty upon plenty of them. Sadly, from the sound of it, there are only one of her so she couldn't possibly be in all of them which makes your search rather more difficult." Alice suddenly jumped down from the tree, landing just behind Galahad.

"But, I fear, that is the least of your troubles." Alice leaned against Galahad's back.

"Oh, really now?" Galahad shivered as Alice's breath tickled the hairs on the back of his neck.

"Look up." The cat whispered in his ear.

With a very put upon sigh, Galahad followed the instruction and looked up. Above his head, in the sky, was a dirt tunnel that was quickly closing up.

"What the hell?!"

He felt Alice jump away from him and back to his tree.

"How else did you think you got here?" Alice leaned back against the tree, twirling the tambourine with a finger.

"Here?"

"Underground, of course."

"Underground? Like the 'Labyrinth' Underground?"

"No, that's a few Undergrounds over." Alice tossed the tambourine in the air and caught it.

"This is getting me no where." Galahad grumbled, kicking the dirt spitefully. "Not only do I get slapped silly _i again /i _but I follow an unbelievably hot Rabbit girl into another world and not five minutes in, I've already lost sight of her and I'm damn lost too."

"Yes, makes me glad I'm not you." Alice nodded happily.

"I'm really starting to not like you." Galahad glared at the cat who just shrugged.

"You could ask the King and Queen for help." Alice suggested, juggling the tambourine now. "They're usually nice people except when they're not."

"'Except when they're not', he says." Galahad sighed. "Can they help me?"

"Get you home? Of course." Alice shrugged. "You're on your own about the Rabbit."

"Great. How do I get there? And no sarcastic comments!" Galahad interjected before the cat could speak. "No 'Follow the Yellow brick road' or any of that nonsense."

"Yellow brick road?" Alice scoffed, looking offended. "Who in their right mind would build a yellow brick road? It's a turquoise road."

"Of course it is." Galahad scowled, looking around. "There is no bloody - "

"Behind you."

"Oh." Galahad turned and stared at the rather (now) obvious road. "Best be off then..."

"Wait!"

"Oh, what is it - gah!" Galahad turned to find himself face to face with the cat. Alice batted his eyes, ears flatted slightly, and leaned forward.

"Can't go see the Royals with that nasty bruise on your cheek, can we?" Alice purred, his nose close enough to rub against Galahad's.

"We can't?" Galahad squeaked, eyes wide. Alice purred louder and gently turned Galahad's face to the side and gently licked the bruise.

Just as quickly as the cat appeared, he was back on his perch at the tree. Galahad blinked in shock. Then blinked again as he touched his now bruiseless cheek.

"T-thank you..." He turned in a daze and started down the road.

As Galahad followed the brightly colored road, the darker it got. Thick trees and bushes draped over the path, nearly blocking the way, forcing the knight to have to force his way through. Galahad could feel the branches pulling at his hair and clothing but more importantly his hair as he struggled against the limbs. Suddenly, the limbs spread away from the path just enough so that the road was visible again.

In the middle of the path was a pristine white door with a golden handle.

Galahad stared for a moment then looked around to make sure it wasn't some kind of joke at his expense. Satisfied that he was alone, he reached for the handle.

Galahad stared blankly at the room he found himself in.

The forest gave way to an extensive throne room, complete with marble everything, high ceilings, really tall windows, and almost everything that could be draped was draped with rich velvet. Galahad stepped through and closed the door which then fell to the floor.

The turquoise road continued down the room to a dias where two thrones sat.

He had to admit, it was a good road...

"Who are you? You don't have an appointment!" A man - Concorde - suddenly popped up in front of the knight, frantically flipping through a book, sending bits of parchment flying about. "This is no good, no good at all!"

"Oh, give me that!" Patsy appeared next to the other. "You're doing it all wrong! It's upside down! You're suppose to read it upside down!" The man jerked the book away and calmly pointed to a page. "See there. Galahad, Three O'Clock." The man snapped the book shut.

The first man collapsed against the second.

"Oh, thank goodness, thank goodness. That road is playing merry hell on my heart, I can tell you that." The man slide off the other and fell to the floor.

"Oh, honestly Concorde!" Patsy grabbed Concorde's feet and dragged him out of the road.

Galahad blinked before shrugging the incident off and continued toward the twin thrones.

"Milord, Milady." He greeted the King and Queen who were, unsurprisingly, Arthur and Gwen. Really, Galahad was beginning to know what to expect in this world.

"Galahad, the new comer." Arthur greeted, smiling. "And what brings you here?"

"I want to go home, your majesty."

"Yes, yes, fell down the Rabbit Hole."

"Yes, Sire."

"Need some help reopening it, I take it."

"Yes, Sire."

"Can't help you."

"What?!"

"We're the Rulers of this country." Gwen spoke up. "We can't actually help anyone."

"But... I thought you could do magic?"

"Oh, you hear that, Darling?" Gwen slapped Arthur's arm, giggling. "I haven't done magic in years. I was the apprentice to the Wizard, remember Dear?"

"Oh, yes, and quite the enchanting thing you were." Arthur growled playfully, squeezing his wife's hand.

"And such a naughty thing you were - "

"Sorry to interrupt but I know from experience where this is going and I'm not waiting another three hours."

"Oh, fine, fine." Gwen crossed her arms, pouting.

"Is there anyway for me to get back home?"

"You could try the Wizard..." Arthur shrugged.

"He can open a portal."

"I guess." Arthur shrugged.

"Thank you, your highness." Galahad bowed and stood once more. "...Don't suppose you saw a -"

"Nope." The royals answered.

"Damn. Okay, fine. Wizard."

"Lavender road for eight miles then turn left on periwinkle."

"..."

"Stupid colors." Galahad grumbled, kicked a purple - yes, he called it purple! - rock out of his way. He was fairly certain he had passed his turn hours ago but damn it, they should post signs, especially when all the roads are the same color regardless of names! And they're all clumped together too. When there's a new road, there's always three different roads too! Like they want you to lose you mind!

"Purple's a stupid color anyway." Galahad grumbled, sending another stone flying.

" _When danger reared it's ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. _"

Galahad stopped and listened.

He knew that song! But the voices... they sounded so... tiny.

" _- Turned about and gallantly he chickened out! Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat - _"

Galahad looked down to see three mice, dressed as the last three minstrels, mini-instruments and all, marching past his feet.

"Hey." He interrupted their song. "Do you know where - "

"AH! Monster! Run away!" The mice screeched before taking off towards the forest.

"No, wait!" Galahad followed them off the road and into the forest, barely able to see there the minstrel mice were heading.

"Help! Help! The monster's after us, the monster's after us!" Galahad heard their tiny voices scream.

Galahad burst into a clearing, panting as he watched the three mice scurry toward a small round house. The front door slammed open and a very panicking Robin out wearing chicken-shaped oven mitts and a frilly checkered apron.

"What, what, where?" Robin flittered about, looking around his yard for the monster, the honey colored cat ears pressed back in fear.

Cat ears. And tail.

Galahad was not surprised.

"Robin!"

"Gah!" Robin turned and stared at him before fainting.

"Oh, bloody hell." Galahad ran a hand through his hair.

"Bloody Hell, indeed."

Galahad hissed in pain as he was conked on the head from behind. He looked over his shoulder to see Alice, glaring at him. The cat walked past him to Robin and knelt beside him, trying to wake him up.

The mice took their chance to leave their hiding place and run to the still conscious cat.

"Alice, Alice!" One of them cried, climbing into the cat's hand. "We were singing and the monster roared at us and we ran and it started chasing us!"

"Poor things." Alice patted all the mice on the head before setting them down beside Robin who was slowly coming too.

"Wha...?"

"Morning, sunshine." Alice smiled down at the still dazed Robin.

"Monster?"

"Just a dunce."

"Hey!"

Robin slowly sat up, blinking over at a fuming Galahad. He stared at Galahad a few minutes before his eyes went wide again. His ears perked up excitedly as he leapt to his feet.

"Guests! We have guests!" He clapped his hands before rushing over to Galahad. "Oh, welcome, welcome, welcome. It's been so long since we've had visitors that don't already visit on a regular basis!" He grabbed Galahad's arm and began pulling him toward a picnic table set in the middle of the yard.

"Come, come, come, you must have tea with us!" Robin all but pushed Galahad into one of the chairs.

"I think it's past tea time." Alice commented dryly from the ground where Robin had fainted, petting the mice comfortingly.

"Oh, there's always time for tea, Alice!" Robin said cheerfully, scooping the mice up out of Alice's hands as he walked past. "You three can help me carry everything out."

Alice pouted as the four entered the house before he turned to glare at Galahad.

"Hey, don't look at me like that." Galahad protested, playing with his napkin nervously. "Wasn't my idea. I wanted to ask for directions but they ran off..."

"Directions to where?" Alice slowly walked over to the table.

"T-the Wizard's?"

"The Wizard!" Robin came back out, mitts and apron free, balancing a tea service and a cake, followed by the mice, each carrying two tea cups. "I haven't seen him in a good while! Good, good while. Training a new witch, from what I heard!" Robin dropped the cake in the center of the table and took the cups from the mice. "What business do you have with the Wizard?"

"Need to find a way home."

"You could have just climbed a tree and jumped into the portal you know." Alice said, stirring tea into his milk. "That always seemed to work before."

"You didn't tell me you could do that!"

"You didn't ask." Alice shrugged, dipping a paw shaped cookie into his milktea.

"Oh, you've met before?" Robin asked cheerfully, pouring tea for the minstrel mice who had to climb tiny ladders to reach the rim of the cups.

"Sadly." Galahad glared across the table at a nonchalant Alice. "He wasn't very helpful."

"I told you the road to get to the castle." Alice shrugged.

"Where I found out, upon leaving the castle, that it was just on the other side of forest. The opposite direction from you told me to go, I might add."

"My way was more direct." Alice smiled back almost evilly. "Went right to the throne room, did you not?"

"Alice." Robin whined from beside him. "Were you mean to - Sorry, what's your name?"

"Galahad."

"Were you mean to Galahad?"

"Not particularly..." Alice ran his finger around the rim of his cup, refusing to meet Robin's gaze.

"Rude then? Or purposely confusing?" Robin implored.

Alice didn't say anything for a moment even as the whole table stared at him, waiting.

"...It's quite possible, yes." He finally admitted. "But in my defense, he started it."

"I did not!"

"Alice!" Robin whined again. "You know I don't like it when you do that. Makes people not want to visit us in fear that you'll confuse them - "

"Or be mean to them." One of the mice chirped up.

"Or be rude to them." Another mouse.

"Or sing embarrassing songs about them!"

"He only does that to 'Fraidy Cat."

"Oh, yeah."

"Don't call me 'Fraidy Cat!" Robin scolded the mice. "And you." He looked back at Alice. "Can you _please_ try to be nicer to strangers? The only person who isn't afraid to visit us is the Wolf!"

Alice's expression turned darker.

"Yes... Wolfboy." He said bitterly, ears flickering in annoyance.

"Don't call him that." Robin glared. "He's my best friend and I don't like it when you're mean to him."

"He never notices." Alice shrugged, turning away from Robin. "He's rather oblivious, actually."

"I... think I should go..." Galahad finally found his voice after watching the exchange between the two cats. He never saw Robin and Alice fight in their world though he had many a time heard Alice start another round of 'Brave Sir Robin' quite loudly for all to hear...

Cat!Robin looked up, surprised.

"Oh, no, no, no, please, don't go!" He jumped from his seat to cling onto Galahad's arm. "It's been so long since we had tea with someone new!" He looked up at Galahad pleadingly. "Just stay for one cup! Or two!"

"I-I'm sorry but I have to find the Wizard..."

"Oh, I know the way!" Robin smiled brightly. "You said you were lost but I know how to get there! I can take you!"

"What?" Alice looked between the two but was ignored.

"I couldn't possibly bother you to do that..."

"It's no trouble. It's been a while since I saw the Wizard." Robin nodded. "I haven't visited him in a long time so it's no trouble for me to take you there!"

"I...I guess..."

"Yes!" Robin jumped happily before turning back toward the table. "Mice! Man the House!"

The mice stood at attention, saluted Robin, before scurrying off the table and into the house. Alice was still seated at the table, staring at the sudden change of events.

"Wait! I'm coming too!" Alice vanished from his seat and reappeared beside them.

"Are you sure? You hate leaving the mice all on their own." Robin pointed out.

"They'll be fine." Alice insisted, crossing his arms stubbornly. "And I'm not leaving you alone with some new comer."

"You're paranoid."

"Fine." Alice grabbed Galahad and Robin by the hand and started dragging them down the path. "The sooner we get there the sooner he can leave."

"Gee, are you always this considerate?"

"Hush, you!"

"Alice! Be nice!"

"Leave to get him home. Home isn't here so the sooner he leaves the sooner he'll get home." Alice amended. "See, perfectly nice thing to say."

"It's not nice when you use that tone."

"Leave my tone out of this..."

"Are you two going to be like this the whole trip?"

"Yes." Alice.

"No." Robin.

"Well, this is going to be a fun trip."

"See, you've upset him!" Robin jerked his hand away from Alice so he could cross his arms.

"I did not upset him, he was moody before!"

"Can you both please quiet down?!" Galahad suddenly snapped. "You're giving me a headache." He added, softer.

"Sorry." Robin.

"Hmph." Alice.

"Alice."

"Fine. Sorry."

Robin nodded in satisfaction before looking back at the road. A few more yards further and stopped, eyes wide.

"What is it now?" Galahad sighed, looking over to the cowardly cat.

"I just remembered something..."

"Yes, what is it?"

"Forest. We have to pass through the forest."

"...Right, and?"

"Forest is far too dangerous." Alice pipped up, looking happier than when they started. "I guess me and Robin will have to go home now. Come on, Robin." He made a grab for the other cat's hand.

"Oh, we've already come this far though..." Robin said thoughtfully. "We could take the long road and go around the forest..."

"How long will that take?" Galahad asked, exasperated.

"Too long." Alice insisted. "Lets just give him the directions and let him find his own way."

"Oh, yeah. That worked so well last time." Galahad glared at Alice who glared back. "What's so dangerous about the forest. We were just in one not to long ago..."

"Well, it's darker." Robin thought for a moment. "And there's raccoons and bees and not so friendly or talented mice... Let's see..."

"There's chimps too." Alice eagerly added. "And bumblebees and hyenas!"

"Hyenas?" Galahad blinked. "Those ugly dog things that laugh at you?"

"They make fun of you too." Alice nodded.

"Did you hear that?" Robin asked, looking fretfully around.

"Hear what?"

The bushes just behind Robin rustled, sending ''Fraidy Cat' scurrying behind Alice and Galahad, his tail nervously clenched in his hands.

The rustling stopped after a few moments of the trio staring at it.

"W-was that a hyena?" Galahad asked in a loud whisper.

"Depends." Alice answered. "Were you offended by the sound of a bush rustling?"

"RAWR!"

"AH!"

THUD

"LANCE! You made him faint again!"

Galahad stared.

Lancelot, and it was Lancelot, was crouched over the still form of Robin wearing nothing but a pair of very short and tight leather shorts.

"I'm sorry, Alice." Lancelot apologized, scratching behind his wolf like ears with a clawed hand. "I didn't think he would faint again..."

"He always faints!" Alice ranted before kneeling beside Robin and, with the tip of his tail, tickled Robin's nose.

"Achoo!" Robin sat up in a daze, looking up at a confused Galahad, annoyed Alice, and sheepish looking Lance. "Oh, Lancelot. It's just you."

"Yeah, sorry about that." Lancelot reached down and helped Robin stand up, oblivious to the glare Alice was still giving him. "What are you doing so far out anyway?" He started to help brush Robin off before Alice slapped his hands away.

"We're taking Galahad to see the Wizard." Robin nodded over to Galahad. "Oh! Now that you're here, we don't have to go around the forest! Lancelot can scare off the raccoons, bees, not-so-friendly-or-talented-mice, and hyenas!"

"No, I'm sure Lancelot is too busy at the moment."

"Actually, I have plenty of free time."

"But I would hate for you to have to cancel any plans you've made." Alice insisted.

"I was just going to go visit you two."

"...Well, why don't you go wait for us there? Make sure the mice haven't wrecked the house."

"Alice, he doesn't have to go through all that trouble. He can come with us to the Wizard's then come back with us and we can have tea." Robin reasoned.

"Sounds like a good plan to me." Lancelot smiled. "Why are we going to the Wizard's, now?"

"Galahad fell through portal, portal closed, going to Wizard to get it reopened."

"Sounds fun!"

"No, it'll be very boring. You should wait here."

"Alice!" Robin looked at the other cat pointedly.

"Hmph!" Alice crossed his arms stubbornly and sat down on a nearby log.

It was the most intense, if not strange, hike Galahad had ever been on.

Lancelot was leading them deeper into what Galahad had to admit was a fairly creepy forest. Thick foliage blocked most of the light and the sounds of distant chuckling could make any sane person nervous. Luckily, this Lancelot seemed to be as sane as the one Galahad was used to.

Robin, five minutes into the forest, had a bird fly too close to his ear and had been clinging to Lancelot's back ever since.

And Alice... Galahad swore he could almost see the anger rising off the cat in waves. He tired his best to stay out of his way and ignored what felt like pebbles that kept hitting him on the back of his head.

"Are we getting close?" He asked after another pebble thunked against his head.

"Yeah." Lancelot called back. "Few more miles, I think. Watch the claws, Robin."

"Ow!" Galahad stumbled forward as another pebble, larger than the previous was, crashed into his skull. Galahad turned to scowl at Alice who watching a butterfly flutter around his head as though he was plotting the most painful death possible for it, which, considering the dark aura radiating off him, probably wasn't too far off.

"Galahad?" Robin and Lance were looking at him questioningly.

"...It's nothing." Galahad muttered, looking darkly in Alice's direction.

BANG

"AAAHHH!"

"OW!"

"Oh, Blast it all!"

"Geez, Robin. Did you have to dig your claws in before you jumped?" Lance was kneeling on the ground, pressing his hands to the twin cuts on his shoulders. "Robin?"

Galahad stared up at the tree Robin had shot up into. The cat was clinging to a branch, ears pressed back and visibly shaking. Alice appeared on the branch beside him and was apparently trying to coax the other cat onto the branch properly instead of clinging to the underside. Galahad looked back at Lancelot who was still whimpering in pain.

"What was that?"

"That was the Wizard." Lancelot nodded toward the pillar of smoke just barely visible through the trees. "Must be closer than I thought."

"Does he blow things up often."

"Oh, plenty of times. Never on purpose though."

"Splendid." Galahad commented dryly as Alice appeared beside him, a still shaking Robin clinging to him. "Better find him before he blows something else up."

The path cleared to a small clearing enclosed by a small wooden fence. In the center was a modest stone hut, surrounded by strange looking contraptions.

"Blast it, blast it, blast it!" They heard a man ranting from the other side of the hut. "Confounded faulty crystals! Never trust an elf, should have known better, should have known..."

A man in a long robe and pointed hat stomped around the side of the building, still ranting to himself.

"Wizard!" Robin yelled happily, letting go of Alice's arm to wave at the man.

The man looked up, doing a double take as he saw his guests.

"Bedevere?!" Galahad threw up his hands. "Let me guess, Herbert's off in some tower some where!"

"...How did you know my name is Bedevere?" Wizard!Bedevere looked at Galahad in almost awe. "Or that I had an apprentice named Herbert?"

"Galahad here fell through a portal." Robin informed him, still grinning. "We came to see if you can get him home."

"Oh, that shouldn't be too har... Lancelot, you're bleeding!" Bedevere grabbed the wolf's arm and started dragging him into the hut. "Well, come on. Don't stand there all day." Bedevere scolded the rest of the small party when they didn't follow.

The inside of the house was exactly like something Bedevere would like. Potentially comfy but stuffed to an uncomfortably level with random junk. Bedevere pulled Lance into what Galahad assumed was the kitchen.

"Sit there." Bedevere ordered, turning to climb over a pile of junk to get a box at the top of said pile. "What happened, by the way?" He yelled down.

"The explosion scared Robin." Galahad called back up.

"Oh, right. Sorry about that." Bedevere sighed as he got back down. "Faulty crystals. Can't tell if they're any good til you use them." Bedevere poured a bright pink foam over the cuts on Lancelot's shoulders. "Luckily it was a small crystal. Last time I had to magic the crater away."

"Where is Herbert, by the way?" Lancelot asked, wolf ears oddly perky as he did so. "He's usually makes us tea by now..."

"Went to visit his father - the gods only know why." Bedevere began sticking multiple bandaids over the cuts. "Though he insisted upon it. Family and all."

"Oh." Lancelot's ears drooped in disappointment.

"So, Alice." Bedevere looked over at the cat who had seated himself on one of the smaller piles of junk. "How have you been lately? Haven't seen you since you ran off two years ago."

"Ran off?" Galahad looked over from where he had been studying the only food in the room, a bowl of apples.

"Alice was Bedevere's apprentice before Herbert." Robin explained, a hint of pride in his voice which seemed to make Alice happy, judging by how smug he looked.

"Yes, all my apprentices seem to run off with someone. First Gwen then Alice." Bedevere nodded thoughtfully. "Was worried it was something I did but that's foolish. Though I suppose I should be more strict about allowing romantic interactions."

"Oh, no need for that!" Lancelot pipped up hurriedly before coughing in embarrassment.

"I suppose you're right." Bedevere reluctantly admitted. "So far, I haven't noticed Herbert to be taken with anyone. Then again, I never noticed where Gwen or Alice's attention wondered either."

Galahad looked over at the two cats. Robin had joined Alice on the junk and was resting between his legs, back against the other's chest with Alice nuzzling the light colored hair. Galahad then looked over at Bedevere who was looking up to the ceiling, obviously deep in thought.

"I'm sure it must have been a grand surprise for you."

"Oh, yes. Quite." Bedevere answered, missing the sarcasm. "And I'm still waiting on a wedding invitation from those two." He nodded toward the cats. "Missed Gwen's wedding. Eloped, she did."

"You mean you two aren't married yet?" Galahad looked back at the two cats. The Robin and Alice in his world were only dating a week before they got married. Though they did have that year during the quest for the grail...

"We're waiting for the right moment." Robin explained sheepishly though Alice looked more annoyed then embarrassed.

"When's Herbert coming back?" Lancelot pipped up from his chair.

"Herbert?" Bedevere thought for a moment. "He's been gone a week now... about time for me to go rescue him, yes."

"Rescue him?"

"Oh, yes. Herbert might love his father well enough but can't say the feeling is mutual. Usually locks him in a tower within a few days." Bedevere shrugged helplessly. "It does mean it will be a while before I can open a portal for you."

"What!? Why?"

"I have to go get Herbert and who knows how long that will take. Then I have to come back and clean up the mess from the explosion before I can even start the spell to make the portal."

"We can go save Herbert!" Lancelot offered, instantly perking up. "You can get started on getting Galahad home while we go get him!"

"It would save time..."

"Will it be dangerous?"

"Moderately."

"Then I volunteer to stay and help clean up." Robin nodded decisively.

"Oh, come on, Robin." Lancelot pouted at his friend. "Think of the adventure! The excitement! The glory!"

Robin pouted over at Lance for a few moments before looking back at Bedevere.

"I'm very good at organizing."

"I can't believe Robin just abandoned us like that." Lancelot lamented as they made their way to Swamp Castle. "I'm not surprised though but a little more support would have been nice."

"He made us sandwiches." Galahad offered as way of comfort. "Even cut the crusts off."

"The lemonade was good." Lance admitted. "The lemon cake too. And it was nice of Alice to wave us off, though I though the confetti was over doing it."

"Nice? Alice." Galahad raised an eyebrow. "You have noticed that he doesn't like us, right?"

"Oh, of course he likes us." Lancelot said confidently. "He just doesn't trust us."

"And that's so much better."

"Oh, you just have to remember where Alice is coming from. You may not have noticed..." Lancelot looked around cautiously. "But Robin is a bit of a..." He dropped his voice to a whisper. "...Coward."

"Really, now."

"Yes, surprising, I know." Lancelot nodded to himself. "They've been together years and he still hasn't married Alice yet. Makes Alice nervous about Robin's affections."

"That he might cheat?"

"Or find someone else, yes. It's why Alice scares almost everyone off. Can't run off if there's no one to run off with. That's why he doesn't trust me, can't scare me off."

"And what about me?"

"Well, he might just not like you, I don't know you too well."

"Thanks." Galahad said dryly, feeling put off. "How much further is the castle?"

"We should be there soon."

"Really?" Galahad looked at Lancelot in disbelief. "We've only been walking perhaps an hour. Is every thing just really close together or something?"

"The roads are always shorter when you're having fun." Lancelot smiled.

"...I'm not having fun."

Suddenly, the road seemed to stretch out for miles, cutting through the forest for what seemed like forever.

"Oh, great! You hurt it's feelings!" Lancelot scolded before dropping to his knees to pet the road. "It's alright, he didn't mean it. I'm sure he's having loads of fun, aren't you?" He looked up pointedly at Galahad.

"Oh... uh, plenty of fun. The... most fun I've ever had walking."

The road quivered slightly and slowly began to shorten again.

"Yes, that's it. Good road." Lancelot encouraged.

"Yes, good road." Galahad tried. "Best road I've ever walked on. The other roads must be jealous of your... roadness."

Suddenly, the road snapped forward, dragging the two travelers forward at breakneck speeds before shrugging them off. They crashed down on a flowerbed, the flowers squeaking in protest.

"Was it something I said." Galahad groaned, pushing himself to his knees.

"Lancelot?"

The wolf jumped to his feet, staring up at the tower the road had deposited them at. At the very top was a window and a familiar blonde was looking down at them.

"Herbert!" Lancelot shouted back.

"What are you doing here?" Herbert shouted back down.

"We came to rescue you. The Wizard blew something up again!"

"Was anyone hurt?!"

"No!"

"Oh. Do you want to come up!"

"Yes!" Galahad answered for them. "Can we stop yelling now?!"

"...Sure! Watch out for my father! I don't think he knows you're here yet though!"

"Be quiet!!!!"

"Sorry, Father!"

"We should get going." Lancelot grabbed Galahad's arm and began pulling around the building. They froze as soon as they got to the other side. Crowds of people were gathered around, all looking as though they were expecting something.

"Lancelot... what's going on."

"Dunno." Lancelot answered, sounding just as confused as Galahad.

They pushed their way through the crowd towards the entrance to the castle.

"Everyone, everyone!"

The two rescuers paused, seeing the Swamp King on a podium just in front of the entrance way.

"I have just received word that the rescue attempt should happen sometime today!"

The crowd roared in approval. Lancelot pulled Galahad forward, darting behind the stage that held the podium.

"And I would like to take this time to remind everyone that there will be no refunds regardless of the quality of the rescue."

As the crowd awed, they darted into the castle.

"What is that about?" Galahad asked but Lancelot was already running up the stairs. "Hope the stairs aren't as sensitive as that road." Galahad grumbled before chasing after Lance.

Galahad obviously underestimated the speed and stamina of a wolf as well as just how damn tall the tower was. By the time he caught up with Lancelot, it felt like his lungs were trying to implode. He stumbled to Lance who was pounding on what he guessed to be Herbert's door and collapsed beside him.

"I think there's a key under the matt." Galahad heard Herbert instruct.

The wolf looked around desperately.

"There is no matt!"

"Oh, sorry, the matt is on my side." The nervous giggle was followed by a soft jingling as a key was slid under the door.

Lancelot snatched the key up and flung open the door - hitting Galahad with it by accident.

"Ow!"

"Lance!"

"Herbert!"

Galahad climbed to his feet and stepped around the offending door.

Herbert was latched onto Lancelot, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his... three inch heeled Mary-Jane clad feet?

Galahad has seen Herbert wear many things, dresses included but nothing so... skimpy. Really, it looked like something picked off a rack at a costume shop. Black corset with bright pink ribbons, layered frilly skirt made of black and pink netting that went down to just above his knees, pink puff sleeves and black wrist gloves both made of the same netting. He even had a black ribbon tied in his hair and a tiny star on his cheek.

Wonder if he could convince anyone at home to wear that...

"What's with all those people outside?" Lancelot asked once Herbert managed to pry himself off the wolf.

"It's an idea father had the other day." Herbert played with the hem of his skirt timidly. "He heard a few maids saying how romantic it was that Bedevere always came to rescue me after Father gets in his moods though it was a shame he wasn't more handsome which I think is quite unfair as it's mainly his moustache that puts people off. I'm sure if he just got rid of it - "

"Herbert, you're rambling."

"Oh, sorry. Anyway, Father got the idea into his head that he would charge people to see my rescue. Posted flyers all over town, advertising it. They've been waiting out there for two days now..."

"Is that why you're wearing a dress?" Galahad asked, rubbing the bump on his head.

"Oh, no, this is my apprentice uniform..." Herbert paused, just taking notice of Galahad. "Sorry, who are you?"

"Galahad... apprentice uniform? Bedevere makes you wear that?"

"It relaxes him, he says. I don't mind though, I quite like it."

"What's going on in here, why's this door open?!" The Swamp King stomped in, pausing. "Who are you two? Where's that crackpot wizard?"

"Bedevere had an incident but Lancelot and Galahad are here." Herbert smiled though he edged away from his father until he was half behind Lance.

"Those people out there are expecting a rescue!" The king scowled. "They've already paid and everything and if you think I'm just going to let you waltz out of here..."

"Lancelot can do it." Galahad offered.

"Lancelot, eh?" The king looked the mostly naked wolf over, calculating the pros and cons in his head. "Flex some. Hmm...well, he's an improvement over the wizard, I'll give him that."

"Well, Father?" Herbert batted his eyes. "The crowds are waiting."

"Fine." The king glared at his son. "But make it good! Go back out to the woods and break back in. Make sure everyone sees. Got it?!"

"Right. Big showy rescue."

The king nodded, glaring at the other three inhabitants of the room before turning and marching away.

"...I'm going to go wait outside while you two playact."

Galahad really, truly and _really_ should have known better than to leave Lancelot alone to rescue Herbert. That _never _ended well, at least not for the random people standing by.

"You just had to get into your idiom, didn't you!" Galahad gasped, almost stumbling as they made a sharp turn.

"I just get carried away!" Lancelot panted, having to carry Herbert as they ran. "I can't help it!" He insisted.

"I don't think you seriously hurt anyone though!" Herbert said, looking over Lancelot's shoulders at the raging villagers who were slowly falling behind.

"How did your father take massacre?" Galahad gasped, hoping to take his mind off their murderous pursuers.

"I think he was more upset by the kiss than anything else but the crowd seemed to like it." Herbert said cheerfully. "Okay, I think they've stopped."

The two running risked a quick glance behind them to see that the villagers had, indeed, let off.

"Oh, thank god. I thought they'd never stop." Galahad hunched over, trying to catch his breath. "I think we're almost back at the Bedevere's by now."

"I think you're right, Galahad." Herbert said, climbing down from Lancelot's arms and looking around. "Yes, I think we're just a little bit away..."

"Oh, Robin! Honestly!" They heard Bedevere scold. "Stop following Alice around like a lovesick kitten and help me clean up!"

"Do I have to...?" They heard Robin ask, sounding dazed.

"Yes, now get your tail over here!"

"Yep, we're almost there." Herbert grinned before running ahead.

"Thought he couldn't run in those -"

BAM

"Ow! I'm alright!"

"Nevermind." Galahad sighed, perfectly content to walk the rest of the way.

"Come on, Galahad." Lancelot grabbed Galahad's arm, pulling him along. "I want to hear the retelling."

"Gah..." Galahad complained but trotted along side the wolf until they got back to the Wizard's.

Herbert was already seated at the picnic table, talking to a very amused Bedevere while Robin was backwards in his seat, staring longingly at the hut's door with what appeared to be little hearts dancing around his head.

"- And then Lance burst open the door with a howl and swooped me into his arms before dashing back the stairs, snapping and growling at everyone who tried to stop him."

Galahad stumbled to the table and fell into a chair, listening lazily to Herbert's version of events.

"Did he attack anyone?" Galahad heard a tiny voice ask before spotting the three Minstrel Mice gathered around Herbert on the table.

"Yeah! Did he attack someone? Like, run his sword through their head or something?"

"Lancelot doesn't have a sword, he has claws." One of the other mice corrected.

"Well, he might have a sword. You never know." The first mouse defended him(or her) self.

"Well, a few people did get hurt..." Herbert reluctantly admitted. "But it was nothing serious..."

"Did he kiss you?" One of the mice asked.

"Um..."

"Like, grabbing you and dipping you down kinda kiss?"

"Well..."

"Should I be looking for a new apprentice already?"

"Oh, no, I'm not ready to leave yet." Herbert blushed, staring at the mice who were now talking amongst themselves.

"But I should keep my eyes open for a new apprentice."

"Yes." Lancelot answered, draping an arm around Herbert's shoulders.

"I called it!" One of the mice suddenly cheered.

"No way, I called it first!

"No, me! I called it years ago!"

"Herbert only met Lance a few months ago!"

The mice started tackling each other, each insisting that they were right first before the other two had been right.

"How did you three get here, anyway?" Galahad interrupted, staring at the mice.

"Oh, Alice brought them over when he went to get his old uniform."

Robin's tail twitched excitedly at the mention of the 'uniform' but no one noticed.

"Robin's been following him around ever since. Had to bribe him to come to the table." Bedevere heaved a long suffering sigh. "Told Alice if he wore it for long enough, Robin might finally work up the nerve to propose... that is if he can still form words by that point."

"Wait, uniform? You mean a dress?" Galahad grinned, remembering all the torment the cat had put him through as of late. "Can I see?"

The door to the hut opened.

Alice's 'uniform' looked exactly like Herbert's albeit green instead of pink with a floppy green bow tied around his neck with bells in the center. There was even a bow on the tip of his tail and in his hair.

"Yay." Galahad heard Robin sigh before falling out of the chair, leaving a trail of floating hearts in his wake.

Alice sent him a glare, noticing the smirk on his face, no doubt, and slammed the tea service on the table pointedly.

"Something you'd like to say?" He hissed.

"Yes, but you'll hurt me if I do."

"Good call." Alice said darkly before instantly cheering up. "Tea, anyone?"

"I want some tea, Alice." Robin said from the ground, emphasizing Alice's name.

"I suppose I could get another apprentice easily enough." Bedevere commented, somewhat sadly. "There was a mud collector I saw a few days back..."

Galahad coughed sharply as the tea when down the wrong pipe.

"Mud collector." He managed to hack out. "You don't say."

"Yes, well. He seemed like a nice lad. Covered in mud though." Bedevere sighed before standing. "Well, since I not only have one apprentice back but two, now is as good a time as ever to do your portal spell."

"Really?" Galahad grinned. As much as he liked the skimpy outfits, this world was giving him a headache.

"Yes, yes. Shouldn't take too long."

"Great!" Galahad gulped down the rest of his tea. "It's too bad though. I never did find that... Rabbit!" He suddenly stood, knocking his chair down in his haste. Across the clearing, near the wooden fence, was the redhead Rabbit girl he had first seen, timidly looking around the forest.

The other inhabitants, surprised by the outburst, turned to look as well.

The Rabbit girl froze, seeing all the eyes looking at her. She bit her lip nervously before running away.

"No wait!" Galahad gave chase.

"Galahad! What about the spell!?" Bedevere called after him.

"I'll come back!" Galahad paused for a second. "And Blue would go with the Mud Collector's eyes!" He added before jumping over the fence.

"Wait! Rabbit girl!" Galahad called after her, narrowly avoiding banging his head on a low hanging branch. "I just want to talk!"

The girl finally stopped, panting. She timidly turned to face him, her ears drooping slightly.

"Finally!" He gasped, smiling reassuringly at her. "I've been chasing you forever."

"Oh?" She asked softly.

"Yes. Got lost doing it too."

"Sorry."

"It's alright." Galahad moved closer, slowly so not to frighten her off.

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah."

"About what?" She blushed, noticing that Galahad was right in front of her now.

"What are you doing tonight?" He gave her his most sexy grin.

"Galahad. Wake up."

Galahad groaned, feeling like someone had taken a hammer to his skull.

"Galahad. Wake up." The person sighed. "I'm sorry I over reacted." The person sounded very reluctantly.

"Rabbit bitch-slapped me." He managed to mutter in response.

"...Did you just call me a rabbit?" The person demanded. "Robin, he called me a rabbit! I know that's not much of an insult but still!"

"I'm sure he meant nothing by it, Alice."

"Should we call a nurse or something?"

"No, he's coming to... Hey, Galahad!"

Someone shaking him now.

"Stop!" Galahad whined, cracking open his eyes. Five pairs of eyes were staring down at him. "What happened?" He winced, sitting up.

"One of the Laker Girl's slapped you and blinded by your bruised ego you grabbed Alice's ass." Bedevere helpfully filled in. "Don't worry, your jaw's not broken."

"'S not how I remember it." Galahad groaned. "There was a -" He stopped, going over the events in his head.

The others were looking at him expectantly.

"Never mind." Galahad rubbed his sore jaw. "Had a wicked dream though. All you were in it. You two had cat ears and tails. You were a wolf and you were a wizard."

"And me?" Herbert asked eagerly.

"Were wearing a dress. Then Alice was wearing a dress and don't you hit me!" He ducked, seeing Alice raise a hand.

"Oh, was it pretty?!" Herbert asked excitedly.

"...Yeah, sure."

Herbert grabbed Galahad's arm, helping him up and dragging him toward the stairs.

"Tell me what it looks like. I'll get my seamstress to see if she can remake it!"

"...Only if she makes another in green..."


End file.
